Threadbare Hope

 

 

There’s a good chance this world will never fill me,
And greater still the odds that this road will leave me empty.
Life is not without the wanting,
The needing,
The threadbare hope that dreams really do come true,
And every star I wish upon will lead me back to you. 

The trees shine emerald despite the tears in my eyes,
For something that I lost,
Before I even knew twas mine.
The clouds gray and bleak,
Reflect the part of me I know,
For all the years I claimed my pain,
It’s grown greater still.

I can’t pretend I don’t deserve the shadows in my eyes,
For the brightness lost among the pain,
The wounds I bore were mine.
I embrace the chaos and carnal and the hate,
That overcomes the simple joys,
I try to create.
To cower in the shadows where I can’t recall my name,
I am just another face whose sadness should be plain.

I try not to see the path that leads me steady down,
But when you scream my name,
It makes me bow lowly to the ground.
I cannot be sorry for the pains I can’t control,
For all of my shortcomings,
And for all my lost soul.
I try to be the person you'd hoped I'd be,
But life has never ever been,
Such a simple thing for me.

I wish that I could please you,
Make you smile with love for me,
But what I am now,
Is a fraction of, what I want and used to be.

I know you cannot see me or love me,
The way God intended,
For surely as He let breathe,
He knew how great my need would be.

Just a little smile,
A little help when I’m lost,
Soft shoulder to cry on,
A body full of lust.
Is that too great a wish for the shooting stars to bear?
That I should cry myself to sleep,
So sure you do not care.

Life is not without the wanting,
I’m used to that of course.
I just wish you’d see me, need me, 
Want me and love me,
The way I need to be touched.

I lost a great part of me I’ll never have again,
The strength I knew was fleeting,
Before it went away.
I feel that you hold my brokenness as a bounty on my head,
And call me out at every turn,
For my blood to spill instead.

I wish that I could be everything you’d hoped to have and keep,
When you took a lover such as me.
But I am broken and have always been,
I never claimed to be whole,
And you should have left if you weren’t prepared to pay the toll.
But rather than turn away you break me further still.
There’s not so many pieces left,
Not enough to even heal.

I always knew this road would leave me empty,
With a hungry loss of will,
When I turn to kiss you you turn away,
And I’m broken further still.

 

By Amanda Burns

 

© Amanda Saylor nee Burns. All rights reserved

 

 

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