I confronted him 
My user, abuser
The one who trained me 
The one that taught me sex was love 
And love was painful 

I thought he would be sorry
That he'd say he felt guilty everyday
And that if there was anyway to make amends
He'd do it in an instant

Instead time had left him unchanged
Still a predator, still eager to devour 
And relish every moment 
As he relived  the torment, the brutality
The complete domination of spirit, mind and body 

And, God help me
It was like a slap to the face
In that instant of confrontation 
All my fight fled me
And I was fourteen all over again

Terrified and disgusted
I listened as he described the way it felt to use me
He remembered, like it was yesterday 
And asked if I was still his little baby
And so much more that makes me ill just thinking
And even my raw honesty will never put to ink 

I thought real love had vanquished that demon 
And all those missing years of disassociation had numbed me
That I was finally strong enough to face that trauma 
And banish it once and for all to that black pit I hid in
I was terribly, horribly mistaken

None of the drugs I've taken or lovers I've indulged in 
Or the real love that's blessed me
Had the power cure me
I was still just as wounded as I always was

Tears fell from my eyes 
As he demanded I meet him 
Some scarily secluded place
As dark and terrible as the stark cold blackness within me 
And in the same sentence he admitted he had pictures
Taken of a foolish, fearful child 
Who wanted to so much believe the tormentor loved her 
And he used them to his satisfaction
So that all these years later
She would forever be his victim 

God, it still chills me
Still has the power to break me 
And I so stupidly believed
I was strong enough to conquer this demon

There was an unspoken threat
Upon my refusal to go to him
To let myself be that bleeding girl
Too innocent to see
The slow progression 
From association to manipulation to domination 

I knew that if I obeyed him I would die
Whether in truth or on the inside
This pale existence that I've striven so hard for
Been mocked, berated, underestimated for
Deemed ignorant, lazy or diffident for
Would cease and I would be consumed by the darkness for good 

All the years of pain, confusion and lost loneliness came back 
Fifteen years had passed 
And the master manipulator still knew how to attack
And I was still the easy target

It took close to a week for me to seek help
And as I fell into the lap of my true love
Sobbing at 3am
He raged, angry that I would confront the past
And even angrier that the demon would dare threaten me 
He wanted so much to bleed the demon as I'd been bled
To feel the crunch of bone beneath his fists
And the warm blood spray over his hands and arms and face 
But with unimaginable effort and a huge amount of pleading 
I finally convinced him to hand it over to the police

The detective was a kind man and listened patiently 
As I sat in the back of his cruiser
My husband on the hard seat beside me
And told the story for the 2nd time in my life

My husband and the detective shared a look through the mirror
And the detective said he could tell what my husband was thinking 
And cursed the statute of  limitations
Because what that twenty-two year old man did when I was just fourteen
Was painfully clear but hard to admit
The word was as hard and cold as the seat beneath me 
And the detective's voice echoed in the silence inside me
When he said that it was rape.

 

 

 

This is for all the girls and women who've been here too,

you're not alone.

-Amanda

 

 
 

© Amanda Saylor nee Burns. All rights reserved